I have Learnt

I used to think being a mother was easy. of course, I didn't have children at that point. And while parts of it are easy (like when they're sleeping), a lot of it is pretty tough.
So, what I now know about being a mother:

• People will judge you, know matter what you do. 
• Society expects you to forget who you are as soon as you have children. All of your time and effort is meant to go to them.
• You never hear "how are you?" first. It's always "How are they doing?"
• I must have broken my mother's heart a thousand times.
• Kids are just little balls of mess in a cute outer shell. It's ridiculous.
• Never change the nappy when you first get whiff of the smell. There's more coming.
• Toilet/bath/showers will be shared with little people from now on in.
• Kids can do adult sounding farts. Usually done in the middle of shopping centres and other opportune places to embarrass Mummy.
• We are expected to make it look easy.
• The quickest way to get a toddler to eat something is to tell them bed is the alternative.
• disney movies off by heart.
• To never assume that when the toilet training toddler tells you he needs to do a poo, that he actually needs to do a wee and tell him he can just go outside... Unless you want to have to clean the deck.

What have you learnt?

Bad Mumma If...?

A lot of the time I'd rather spend more time with Dexter than with Lola.
Does that make me a bad mother?

It's not that I don't love her. Her little smiles melt my heart. I could spend hours trying to make her smile... If I didn't have another child.

It's just that Dex is so independent. This morning he said "Mummy go now." to me at daycare. I'm being dismissed by a child who's not even two.
If he's doing this, how much longer do I have to spend with him?
How much longer will he be asking to hold my hand? Or for cuddles? Or give me those weird kisses where he grabs hold of my ears and mooshes his whole face against mine?
For how much longer will he ask me to help with his yogurt? Or want to sit with me while we cook?

It's tough really. Either way, I may miss out on something. But for right now, Lola is content sitting with her Daddy. And I'm content spending time with Dex before he decides daddies are way cooler because they mow lawns and chop wood and all that other loud stuff. Is it wrong that I want to keep him to myself just a little bit longer if I can?

My life of late

Because I am narcissistic naive enough to think people I don't know care so much about my blog life that they have been wondering what I've been up to, I'll fill you all in.

I had a baby four weeks a go (but you knew that).

I got a staph infection two weeks a go. It's lovely. You should see it. ACTUALLY you should have seen it when I was at the hospital at 2am getting it lanced because it was oozing out my skin. Told you. LOVELY.

We (all of us) are moving in with my parents. And my two teenage sisters. Crazy us, hey? It's... full on, to say the least. I thought it would have been different to the way it is. I thought because everyone is older it would be a little more civil, but it's not. Girls fight, no matter the age.
Maddi (20) likes confrontation... She enjoys arguing. And she hates when I don't bite back. It's SO satisfying to win. (Take THAT! Maddison)
Michellie is a 16 year old girl... need i say more? Except because mum works ridiculous hours, she's not used to someone asking her to clean her room constantly until it gets done. Mum is just too tired. So now, here I am. Because if it doesn't get done, I get to hear Dad yell about it. And life is much more pleasant when Dad is happy. (He stalks around the house and snaps at people who look at him the wrong way).
I wonder if he'd try and ground me now if I pissed him off?

So anyway... I'm now cooking for six. Cooking healthier meals than they've had in ages, because usually they're all eating on the go with crazy schedules they're all keeping. I'm enjoying it, but it's a little annoying.
I asked them (family) if there was anything in particular they wanted to eat at the start of the week. No one said shit.
Then, tonight, I made a chicken pasta (minced chicken, fresh tomatoes, mushrooms, spring onion, white wine, sour cream, some herbs - delish!) and I asked Mum if Dad would eat it. She replied:
"I think he just wants a steak."
THEN FUCKING TELL ME YOU WANT A STEAK WHEN I ASK!!!


I'm not the best lately. I'm struggling.
I don't think I have post natal depression.
It's everything building up.
It's nothing to do with having two kids. I love both of them. Not wanting to shake them or anything.
I don't want them to go away so I can get some sleep, I want everything else to go away.
I want moving house to go away.
I want staph infection to go away.
I want blood pressure issues to go away.
I want money issues to go away.
I want it all to go away so I can get some sleep.

So my kids don't suffer.
So Pat doesn't suffer.
So I don't suffer!

sometimes, I hate you.

I have a confession.
Right now, I feel like a terrible mother.
Which is better than how I felt this morning.
Right now, I'm sick. I have a staph infection - so I'm pretty run down. I have a newborn who loves feeding for two hours and then throwing it all up again, so she's hungry. But only does it at night. We also drove 2.5 hours home from Pat's dad's house, getting home at midnight.
It's still no excuse, but I thought I'd give you the background.
Miraculously, Dolores slept for a good 5 hour block last night, woke at 5:30am for a feed. Then Dex started SCREAMING.
He was still tired - over tired, but refused to go back to sleep.
He wouldn't stop screaming.
I was exhausted.
I was screaming.
I yelled at him "Sometimes I hate you!"
And then I burst into tears.
Because I don't. And I didn't mean it.
And I instantly wished I could take it back.

What I meant to say was, I hate the way you're behaving right now. Not I hate you. Never, I hate you.
I felt terrible. I still do.
I got him up and gave him breakfast and we snuggled and watched How to Train your Dragon. After a little while I asked him if he wanted to go back to sleep and he did.
We all went back to sleep.
But I still feel so bad.
And so, SO grateful that he is too young to ever remember what I said to him.

Have you said something you regretted to your child?

Make Believe

Do you ever pretend you're not a mummy?
I've tried.
A couple of times. I was bad at it the first time, so I figured I'd try again.

I suck at it.
I can't comprehend how (or why) mother's can pretend they don't have a little person(s) at home that they love and are responsible for and who's lives they revolve around.
It doesn't seem natural.
I understand needing a break occasionally. God knows I do.
The last two weeks would have been hell if Pat wasn't here to help with both Dex and Dolores.

But would I ever pretend I don't have them? NO way.
They are what I was born to do.
I mean sure - there will be other things in my life as well, but nothing as important as them.
Why would I pretend they didn't exist?
Even just for a little bit?
It's like pretending you don't have a soul. Or are missing an arm. Painful and pointless.

If you want to pretend you don't have children, why did you have them in the first place?
I'm definitely not saying you should have your children in tow 24/7. That is just silly. You'd go insane.
Sometimes even going to the doctors is a welcome break here!
I won a $300 spa voucher and I'm planning on getting the 5 hour full treatment.
But will I pretend my kids don't exist? No way. They are the reason I deserve my treatment.


What do you think?
Do you pretend you don't have kids sometimes?

One week

This time last week my baby girl was 6.5 hours old.
I can't believe how quickly it's gone already. I haven't even given you a photo yet. So there you go. She looks like a big chubba in that photo hehe

Having Lola has made me realise I was born to be a mum. I can't imagine being anything else. Even when I'm frustrated, there's nowhere else I'd rather be. I don't find myself wanting 5 minutes to myself. I enjoy having my little people around.
I'm amazed I have been given such a precious gift that is all mine.
These little people rely on me for everything. I am their world. It is such an amazing feeling.

Pat has gone out tonight and asked if I was ok for a couple of hours. I think he feels guilty about going out with friends and leaving me at home. But I really don't mind.
I don't miss any of it.
I don't miss smoking. I don't miss drinking. I don't miss talking about pointless crap with people who couldn't care less.
How could I want to do those things when I have these tiny people, who are tiny for such a short time?
Not that I think badly of Pat for going out at all. He does so much for me and the kids that he deserves a break. He's so hard on himself and takes on so much responsibilty it's crazy. He does almost all the cleaning. All the washing and folding and putting away. He is really wonderful.

This post doesn't really have a purpose. Except to show you how wonderful my life is. How I feel blessed at being able to wake up to my complete little family and that I enjoy every minute - even when I'm stressed, there's no where I'd rather be.

xx

Grandnanna's Cooking.

I'm lucky enough to have known my Great Grandnanna. She died when I was 16. That's a lot longer than a lot of people get to know their great grandmother.

She was a beautiful lady with a passion for life. She was always up to something mischievious. We'd go on family holidays and she's sneak into our bedrooms when we were meant to be asleep and tell us jokes and we'd get in trouble. She'd tickle us in church. She was always having fun. We always had fun with her.

When she died, I remember my Dad coming in to my room to tell me. I'd never seen him cry before. Never. But he did that day.

I was lucky enough to get her recipe book when she died. She used to try and give you things when you went to her house. She would always ask what you wanted. I told her I wanted her recipe book, but not right now. It's amazing. It my Great Grandmother's recipes. With some of HER Grandmother's recipes in it.

It makes me feel special. Like I'm holding a bit of family history in my hands. (I AM holding a bit of family history in my hands, I know).

Now don't be fooled. There isn't only recipes in here. There is also "Helpful Hints for the Housewife"
Some of the hints are actually helpful.

Then, there is also article like This:

Who has that much linen? Who has room for that much linen? That much linen doesn't need it's own cupboard, it needs a bedroom with an ensuit to wash itself, because I sure as hell am not. Guests at my house can use the same towels as anyone else, thanks. I'll make sure they're clean and smell pretty and I'll try and give you the big ones. How does that sound?

But, the point of todays post is to give you a recipe. From the old days. Because nothing quite tastes the same as one of Nanna's recipes.

Cream Cheese Slice

2 packets lattice biscuits.

4 oz cream cheese

4 oz butter (I didn't say it would be healthy)

1/2 cup caster sugar

1 tsp vanilla

2 TBS lemon juice

1 tsp gelatine, dissolved in a little boiling water.

Line lamington tray with foil (11x 7 - inches I'm assuming)

Place biscuits along the base.

Beat cream cheese and butter until combined thouroughly.

Add sugar, then add the other ingredients

Speard over biscuits and place remaining biscuits over top.

Ice with a THIN (underlined twice) lemon icing.

Refridgerate.

I'm feeling a little nostalgic today, so I think i'm going to make this. It's one of those things that tastes like home.