About Me

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23 year old going on 50. I take my carry basket to the farmers markets every week and Avoid getting a tan at all costs. I also have lots of tattoos. Two beautiful children and a "Hubby". And an obsession with cooking - moving into a place that doesn't have an oven...

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Someone Else's Story

I have a tragedy that I am unfortunate enough to be a part of. It isn't even one of those comedy sort of tragedies so you can feel good along the way. It is just plain sad.
It makes me heart feel squished and my throat hurt.
But it's not my story to tell. So instead, I'll tell you about one of the main characters.

She is brilliant. An inspiration.
She is beautiful in a way she doesn't see.
She gives the best hugs in the world.
She would give you her last $5 if you needed it. Even if she needed it more.
She works really, really hard. I'm talking 14 hour days 7 days a week.
She loves her children a lot.
She loves her husband a lot too.
She never has any objections to you calling five times a day just to chat, or because you are lonely. She'll talk if she can.
She gets up every morning to trudge off to work, where sometimes she's yelled at and occasionally sworn at. All with a smile on her face.
She has a wonderful smile that lights up her eyes.
She is a wonderful mother.
She is MY mother.

And I love her very much.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Bottom Line

Budgets scare me. I know. silly, considering my blog name is Bubs Under Budget. I guess I never had a problem with my $50 budget, because I always knew I could go over. It wasn't a big deal if I did.
A little challenge for me, that wasn't that big a deal if I didn't do it one week. They scare me because they are so black and white. Or black and red, as it may be. It is so in your face about where you lack self control to not spend you money. Or maybe that's just how I see it?

The thing is, I know my weakness. Ironically, (remember the 50 budget) it's grocery shopping. I LOVE wandering the isles, imagining up all sorts of foods I could create for lunches and dinners and snacks. Which wouldn't be a problem... IF we hadn't moved into my parent's house to save money and pay off debt. Sooooo while I guess I have the money to wander the isles, I definitely shouldn't.

If I don't wander the isles, I can avoid the confectionery one. Full of tempting chocolatey goodness, musk stick sweetness and guilt reducing health and fitness magazines at the other end. I could avoid the baking isle so I don't pick up chocolate chips just in case I feel like baking. Or cake mixes because they are on special.

Look at that. I'm avoiding my budget and I don't even have my wallet on me!
So, the deal is (without being to specific) we have about $33,000 debt. $27,000 of that, I'm ok with. ($24,000 being a car with 2.9% interest that will be paid off in 4 years and $3000 of that being 50 months interest free, which will obviously be paid off during that time.)
The $6000,  I'm not ok with. Because there is no reason we should have it... Credit cards.
They seem like such a good idea at the time, but it's just a big trap. Even if you get one just in case. It never ends up being just in case. There'll be a situation that you don't have the money on you, so it goes on the card. And there it starts.
So, we've done all the maths. We've written down what is incoming and outgoing.
And you know what? I think when you have less money, you spend less money. That's how it seems to work with us anyway.

If we have some extra money, it's as if we feel we can relax a little bit, which in turn has us spending extra, so that we end up dipping into the usual money that's already allocated. (made possible by said credit card).

Fingers crossed we stick to our budget this time. I want to have our savings for a house.

Do you have a budget? Do you struggle to stick to it??

And yes, I realise it's a little bit sad that grocery shopping is the thing I usually struggle to contain my spending on. I enjoy cooking, ok?

Friday, June 10, 2011

I have Learnt

I used to think being a mother was easy. of course, I didn't have children at that point. And while parts of it are easy (like when they're sleeping), a lot of it is pretty tough.
So, what I now know about being a mother:
  • People will judge you, know matter what you do. 
  • Society expects you to forget who you are as soon as you have children. All of your time and effort is meant to go to them.
  • You never hear "how are you?" first. It's always "How are they doing?"
  • I must have broken my mother's heart a thousand times.
  • Kids are just little balls of mess in a cute outer shell. It's ridiculous.
  • Never change the nappy when you first get whiff of the smell. There's more coming.
  • Toilet/bath/showers will be shared with little people from now on in.
  • Kids can do adult sounding farts. Usually done in the middle of shopping centres and other opportune places to embarrass Mummy.
  • We are expected to make it look easy.
  • The quickest way to get a toddler to eat something is to tell them bed is the alternative.
  • disney movies off by heart.
  • To never assume that when the toilet training toddler tells you he needs to do a poo, that he actually needs to do a wee and tell him he can just go outside... Unless you want to have to clean the deck.

What have you learnt?

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Anxiety, Awkward and Antisocial

I get anxiety.
I hate it. As anyone with anxiety does.
It's better now than it used to be. At one point, I shook if I left the house.
Even among my closest friends, I'd panic if I wasn't in my environment and I'd have to leave. I'd feel my heart start pounding and racing. I'd get hot. I'd feel dizzy. I'd feel like I needed to cry.
Put on top of this always having my blood pressure in the back of my mind - runs in the family - I'd worry more about what the anxiety was doing to my blood pressure.
Which would make it worse.

Like I said. I'm a lot better now.
But there's things that set me off. Like people you don't know talking to you in inappropriate places e.g.
Doctor's Surgery (where I went to get my BP situation assessed). Waiting room scene went something like this:
Lady: What a gorgeous little girl!
Me: Thanks.
Lady: She looks new?
Me: Six weeks.
Lady: Gorgeous. (At which point the conversation should have drifted into a comfortable silence)
Lady: My son was little like that. my daughter wasn't so little. She wasn't as cute as her either, but she's beautiful now. (said daughter was sitting right beside her) That's why we're here. She's getting pains in her shins. I think they're just growing pains, because she was short and then she just shot up! She went from having size 6 feet to size 9 overnight! You're tall, aren't you? Did you ever get growing pains? Do you remember what it felt like? How long did they last? Oh, your daughter will be lucky if she ends up tall like you. I'm not very tall at all.
Me: Awkward.

Does she not realise how awkward I feel? I'm not responding to her questions at all. I'm starting to panic. Please leave me alone. I don't particularly like social situations in places I'm not used to being. I don't like having conversations about these sorts of things with strangers. Please. Stop. Talking.
But of course, I don't SAY any of that, do I?

No, instead I sit there and try not to freak out, then get called into the doctor and get told my BP is 150/100.
How do I explain to him "yeah, probably because the lady in the waiting room wouldn't stop talking to me so I started panicking."

 Pushy sales assistants set me off too. Yesterday I went to buy Marvel VS Capcom for the ps3.
There was a new guy there, along with the guy (Steve) who was normally there. The new guy is a manager at another store.
He kept asking if I wanted to pre-order any games. To which I cleverly responded (remember I'm BUYING a game) "I don't game." AWKWARD. I then had to explain I'm more of a computer games kind of person. He then went into a big spiel about the new computer games being released. I started to panic. Me "I play WoW." please shut up
THEN he talks about the WoW like games coming out. Meanwhile Steve - wonderful man that he is - said to the other guy, "hey, you leave her alone, she's MY customer." (being friendly of course) so other guys wanders off occasionally mentioning a game in my direction.

Steve then has a conversation with me about a couple of games coming out that it's possible I may like, because he has bothered to ask about what style I enjoy. Not Awkward. Panic gone.

A lot of this leads me to be anti social. Going out and seeing my friends is sometimes a big effort for me. Not because I think they are an effort to deal with (if I did, why would I have them as friends??) But because I struggle to be in places that I don't feel in control. Not only that, I worry about not seeming in control. I worry that people will think my child is a feral, if he throws a tantrum. My child is NOT feral. He's a little boy who can't quite communicate what he wants so he's frustrated. Don't judge either of us! 
The silly thing is, I KNOW my friends don't judge me. I know they think my son is well behaved. But I still worry.
And the beautiful thing about my friends? They worry about me. They tell me when I'm being distant. They tell me when I'm being silly.
They listen to my fears. They know what I'm going through.

They NEVER make things Awkward. Because they know when to talk and when to just enjoy the silence (as much silence as we can have with 21 month olds).
So as much as I'm sometimes antisocial - they ALWAYS pull me back out.
They help remedy my anxiety and make me feel less awkward and more every day mum. With makes me less antisocial.

I love you guys.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Surviving Motherhood - How I've done it

Sometimes I wonder how I've survived this far with (most) of my sanity in tact.
so here's how I've done it:
  • Take advantage of younger siblings who think they want children. Give them yours. (not forever). Babysitter for you and serious birth control for them - Win/win!
  • Cook more than you need. So then, when you're too lazy to cook something, you can pass it off as being organised when you pull a meal out of the freezer with "here's one I prepared earlier."
  • Spending lots of time at friends houses so mine doesn't get messed up. To pull this one off, you need to bring along baked goods. Trust me, it's worth it. Especially if said friend has a backyard the kids can play in, while yours is constantly damp and full of leeches. (thanks Belinda!)
  • Coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. Or so I'm told. I don't drink coffee. But I do eat copious amounts of chocolate and jelly beans. I figure I'll just use the sugar instead of the caffeine.
  • Playgroups - you can hand your feral child off for a couple of hours while you sit and watch someone else read them the same book for the hundredth time. This usually comes at the small cost of a piece of fruit - well worth it.
  • Hats. Bad hair day instantly gone. Need I say more?
  • Bribery. Don't looked shocked. Who doesn't do it? Luckily, my toddler gets really excited about the prospect of a roll from Baker's Delight, so I'm pretty safe for now. AND if he does get distracted while I do my lolly isle run, I can usually placate him with a box of tictacs. At home, it's bribery with frozen peas and corn. Cuz someone was VERY clever when they made those veggies look like little lollies.
  • Sex. Whenever I can get it. Why? Because I enjoy it. Because it makes me feel human. Because it says that there's more to life than singing the same song over and over again, or changing a poosplosion. Yes. Even when I'm really, really tired and the kids and sick and it feels like my eyelids are sandpapering my eyeballs. I'll sleep when the kids nap tomorrow.
  • Lying. No honey, there's no sushi. No, those are Grandad's donuts, he'll get cranky. No, the chocolate must be stuck in the machine. Yes, that is a biscuit. Yes that's chocolate. (really an olive).
But in all seriousness. My family - especially my little sisters pretty much jump at the chance to look after their nephew and niece. My friends who I can talk about anything to and who also know when nothing needs to be said.

And the biggest thing that has kept me sane?
Knowing I get to spend every day with him =]

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Fuck Modesty

So this morning I showed up for my appointment (late) only to realise I didn't have my referral. Which means I had to rebook. I had fasted 6 hours for nothing!
So I got back in the car and started to give myself a stern talking to about my lack of organisation - in my head of course. (Don't pretend you don't talk to yourself either, as parents it's sometimes the only sane conversation we get!)
And then I thought, You know what? Fuck it. I messed up. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Society does that enough for me.
We're always told we're not smart enough. Pretty enough. Thin enough. Tall enough. Young enough. Old enough.
So I thought I'd "stick it to the man" and tell you what I'm good at. And bloody proud of it, too.

I am a great artist. Not fantastic, but great enough that people are walking around with my designs on their skin.

I am a great cook. Even my almost two year old eats pretty much everything put in front of him. (the 16 year old sister is another story - but apparently there's no pleasing teenagers, so why bother?)

I have a great relationship with "hubby" - meaning I can tell him when I'm pissed off at him or when I want him to stop playing the goddamn ps3 for 5 minutes  because Dex has done an explosive poo. I don't just stew in it and let it build up. (the frustration about the ps3 - not the poo. Who would stew in poo?)

I am a great mother. My kids are happy. Well looked after. Well fed. Dex is an amazing talker and very smart for his age - daycare told me so. Lola is (mostly) a happy baby. She gets her nappy free time and her tummy time and all the other times.

I look great for having had two babies. Yes, I have stretch marks. But you know what? Who gives a fuck. Please, find me a woman, childless or not that doesn't have at least one. She deserves to be in a museum.
And finally, I have a GREAT life ahead of me. I have gorgeous, intelligent kids. A wonderful partner. A beautiful family and support network.

I deserve it. I deserve to be proud of what I have. What I've worked for and what's yet to come.
Fuck modesty. You should be proud too.