The Lies I Tell

We all tell little white lies. Usually, to the people we love the most. Usually so we don't hurt them. But sometimes, we just need to get them off our chest. So here I go:

The lies I tell him.

1. It's fine.

 It's not fine. It's never fine. I'm pretty sure everyone tells this lie. "It's nothing" comes under this as well.

When I say it's fine, I'm usually annoyed about something little, like he's playing the Playstation while I have one child strapped to me in the Hugabub and I'm trying to wrangle the other into his pyjamas and he deifinitely isn't cooperating. It doesn't matter that Pat has usually just finished cleaning the house if this is what's happening. My mind doesn't take that into account when it gets pissed off. I say "It's fine." because I don't want to argue about something stupid.

2. I don't mind.

This is usually about a number of things. From the movies we watch to him not being a fan marriage. I don't make a fuss about the movies because I'm pretty bad at picking movies - plus any movie we watch is us spending time together sans children, so why would I complain? (corny hey). There's also no point me complaining about him not being all for marriage, because nagging him about it will only make me seem like a terrible candidate for marriage anyway!

3. I'll be ok.

Usually said when he (very rarely) wants to go out and have a night out with friends. Sometimes he sleeps over so I don't have to get up with the kids in the middle of the night to pick a drunken Daddy up from god knows where. I say I'll be ok because I want him to go and have fun - he does so much around the place. He never even gets cranky if I come home with four pairs of shoes when I went to get groceries. So if I tell him I won't be ok, that my anxiety plays up as soon I don't know where he is/what he's doing, he wouldn't go. And I don't want to do that too him.

4. Who said you were getting lucky?

It's a bluff. He's irresistable.

5. I don't get jealous.

I do. Extremely so. Not because I think he'd ever do anything, but because along the way I've been told I don't deserve to be happy and I've come to think that maybe this person is right, deep down. I'm always expecting Pat to one day tell that he can do better and up and find someone funnier, prettier, who cooks better. Him not believing in marriage helps this insecurity. Stupid brain

Those are the only lies I tell him.

What do you lie about?

My life of late

Because I am narcissistic naive enough to think people I don't know care so much about my blog life that they have been wondering what I've been up to, I'll fill you all in.

I had a baby four weeks a go (but you knew that).

I got a staph infection two weeks a go. It's lovely. You should see it. ACTUALLY you should have seen it when I was at the hospital at 2am getting it lanced because it was oozing out my skin. Told you. LOVELY.

We (all of us) are moving in with my parents. And my two teenage sisters. Crazy us, hey? It's... full on, to say the least. I thought it would have been different to the way it is. I thought because everyone is older it would be a little more civil, but it's not. Girls fight, no matter the age.
Maddi (20) likes confrontation... She enjoys arguing. And she hates when I don't bite back. It's SO satisfying to win. (Take THAT! Maddison)
Michellie is a 16 year old girl... need i say more? Except because mum works ridiculous hours, she's not used to someone asking her to clean her room constantly until it gets done. Mum is just too tired. So now, here I am. Because if it doesn't get done, I get to hear Dad yell about it. And life is much more pleasant when Dad is happy. (He stalks around the house and snaps at people who look at him the wrong way).
I wonder if he'd try and ground me now if I pissed him off?

So anyway... I'm now cooking for six. Cooking healthier meals than they've had in ages, because usually they're all eating on the go with crazy schedules they're all keeping. I'm enjoying it, but it's a little annoying.
I asked them (family) if there was anything in particular they wanted to eat at the start of the week. No one said shit.
Then, tonight, I made a chicken pasta (minced chicken, fresh tomatoes, mushrooms, spring onion, white wine, sour cream, some herbs - delish!) and I asked Mum if Dad would eat it. She replied:
"I think he just wants a steak."
THEN FUCKING TELL ME YOU WANT A STEAK WHEN I ASK!!!


I'm not the best lately. I'm struggling.
I don't think I have post natal depression.
It's everything building up.
It's nothing to do with having two kids. I love both of them. Not wanting to shake them or anything.
I don't want them to go away so I can get some sleep, I want everything else to go away.
I want moving house to go away.
I want staph infection to go away.
I want blood pressure issues to go away.
I want money issues to go away.
I want it all to go away so I can get some sleep.

So my kids don't suffer.
So Pat doesn't suffer.
So I don't suffer!