Out With the Old...

To all my followers, thank you.
I feel special having you guys with me.
I am, however going to stop using this blog. Because *drumroll*
I bought myself a domain name!

http://www.tattoomummy.com/

It's all a bit exciting!

And, I have a giveaway happening over there too, so I think you should definitely come and join me over there. Here's the link to my giveaway:

first post giveaway

Can't wait to see you all again

Letters to Dexter - 22 months

Dear Dexter,

You are 22 months old today.

We've jus started toilet training you. You are so clever. Although, you do say "farty" when you need to do a wee. We'll explain it to you one day.

You love your little sister. Whenever you're going to bed you're constantly calling out Love you Lola, love you Lola! You always try to give her kisses and cuddles and tell her to smile. You hold her hand and tell me to be careful with her. You are just so precious.

You love daycare and Mr. Dan. You get so happy when you are going there - you tell me all about Miss Annie, Miss Abbie, Miss Helen and Mr. Dan. You've made friends like Chad, Tahlia and Noah. There are other names too, but I can't quite pick them up when you tell me.

You still love hanging out with Grandad. You always want to be in his boat or his car or his tractor. You are constantly talking about how he is going in the car. "Grandad going car bowling, bowling car." that's what you tell me.

Your talking is so amazing. No one would believe you aren't even two yet.

I love you.

I love watching you grow. Sometimes you can be trying - as all toddlers can be. But you are so beautiful, smart, funny and gentle that I can't stay cranky at you for long.

Love Mummy

Internet Pen Friends.

I've missed blogging.

It's made me realise how much I rely on the world wide web for my friends.

I'm torn between feeling depressed about that and feeling glad that the internet has allowed me to continue building relationships with my friends and also develop new ones.

I think I'm leaning towards the feeling glad.

Not having the internet makes me feel as if I'm not able to recieve letters from penfriends that I'm used to recieving letters from every day.

It also makes me feel like I can't send my letters either.

I miss reading about other people's lives... As creepy as that sounds.

Reading other mummy blogs makes me laugh, cry and all in between. It is my time to sit down with a coffee and hear stories from friends that make me feel like I'm not alone. Stories about toilet training. Birth stories. Stories about children growing up. Reading foodie blogs inspire me in the kitchen. They are my time to sit down while I'm preparing dinner and make me think "oh, I could make that!" Reading stories about people's work day, that difficulties and triumphs of every day life - remind me that there is life beyond children. That I need to sometimes be more thoughtul of my friends who don't have kids.

Blogging opens up a whole window to friends all around the world (although I'm sure I don't have readers from outside Australia).

I don't even know what I'm trying to say really.

I guess the blogging world allows me to have coffee with the girls, every day of the week. We don't have to be in the same place, or the same time zone, or even the same country. They don't mind if my kids are being feral, or my house is a mess or I'm still in my p.j's.

Of course I'm not saying my real life friends aren't that wonderful as well. They are. My friends are the best I could ask for. they don't mind about feral kids or messes either. But one can nevr have too many friends, right?

Fitness Risotto

I'm three days into my fitness kick.

Can it be called a fitness kick yet? Is it a hobby? A faze? What's it called after only three days?

A start. That's what I'll call it.

I was planning on joining the gym, but I haven't even managed to get the meeting to join! So I decided to make the most of what I've got. Which is a lot easier than I thought it would be. We have one of those home gym thingos in the shed. We also have a Wii Fit. So far I've done an hour 1:15 on Thursday on the Wii and 60 reps of chest press, arm pull downs and 40 leg lifts (my legs are weak). Same on Saturday.

It's made a difference. I can feel it. I'm more patient, more enegetic. I feel better about myself and hold myself better. I actually want to excersize.

Which is surprising. I'm uhh...

 Lazy.

Won't even try to sugarcoat it. Why bother? It won't help me at all. It's not going to help me be the mum running around with her kids at the park. It's not going to improve my blood pressure...

So I'm going to stop lying to myself.

And I hope that I keep this up. I'm sure I can, because it's all done at home. I don't need to go anywhere or pay any money to do it.

So now I just need some healthy recipes to go with my excersize.

Here's a favourite risotto recipe. (Risotto is healthy, right?)

base recipe found at bestrecipes.com

Ingredients:

·         30g butter.

·         1 onion chopped

·         3 cups stock

·         1 cup aborio rice

·         1/3 cup grated parmesan cheese

In a large deep sided microwave dish (I used my Tupperware Ultra Pro - I haven't done a plug in AGES and this product is amazing - google it) melt butter on high for 45 seconds. did I mention this is a microwave recipe?

Stir in onion and cook on high, uncovered for 2 minutes.

Add rice and mix in until well coated with butter. Cook on high for 1 minute.

Add stock and cook on high, uncovered for 10 minutes. Stir well.

Cook on high uncovered for another 8 minutes.

Remove from microwave and stir in parmesan cheese and season with pepper if desired. Let stand 5 minutes before serving.

To this recipe I added a very ripe avocado, chopped and mixed into the risotto so it's almost mashed in, and four cooked chicken thighs chopped up. Amazing.

The recipe says that it only feeds 2 people, but I think it would easily feed four.

I'm going to attempt a chicken and mushroom version today, will let you know how I go.

(Seriously though, IS risotto healthy?)

The Lies I Tell

We all tell little white lies. Usually, to the people we love the most. Usually so we don't hurt them. But sometimes, we just need to get them off our chest. So here I go:

The lies I tell him.

1. It's fine.

 It's not fine. It's never fine. I'm pretty sure everyone tells this lie. "It's nothing" comes under this as well.

When I say it's fine, I'm usually annoyed about something little, like he's playing the Playstation while I have one child strapped to me in the Hugabub and I'm trying to wrangle the other into his pyjamas and he deifinitely isn't cooperating. It doesn't matter that Pat has usually just finished cleaning the house if this is what's happening. My mind doesn't take that into account when it gets pissed off. I say "It's fine." because I don't want to argue about something stupid.

2. I don't mind.

This is usually about a number of things. From the movies we watch to him not being a fan marriage. I don't make a fuss about the movies because I'm pretty bad at picking movies - plus any movie we watch is us spending time together sans children, so why would I complain? (corny hey). There's also no point me complaining about him not being all for marriage, because nagging him about it will only make me seem like a terrible candidate for marriage anyway!

3. I'll be ok.

Usually said when he (very rarely) wants to go out and have a night out with friends. Sometimes he sleeps over so I don't have to get up with the kids in the middle of the night to pick a drunken Daddy up from god knows where. I say I'll be ok because I want him to go and have fun - he does so much around the place. He never even gets cranky if I come home with four pairs of shoes when I went to get groceries. So if I tell him I won't be ok, that my anxiety plays up as soon I don't know where he is/what he's doing, he wouldn't go. And I don't want to do that too him.

4. Who said you were getting lucky?

It's a bluff. He's irresistable.

5. I don't get jealous.

I do. Extremely so. Not because I think he'd ever do anything, but because along the way I've been told I don't deserve to be happy and I've come to think that maybe this person is right, deep down. I'm always expecting Pat to one day tell that he can do better and up and find someone funnier, prettier, who cooks better. Him not believing in marriage helps this insecurity. Stupid brain

Those are the only lies I tell him.

What do you lie about?

Someone Else's Story

I have a tragedy that I am unfortunate enough to be a part of. It isn't even one of those comedy sort of tragedies so you can feel good along the way. It is just plain sad.
It makes me heart feel squished and my throat hurt.
But it's not my story to tell. So instead, I'll tell you about one of the main characters.

She is brilliant. An inspiration.
She is beautiful in a way she doesn't see.
She gives the best hugs in the world.
She would give you her last $5 if you needed it. Even if she needed it more.
She works really, really hard. I'm talking 14 hour days 7 days a week.
She loves her children a lot.
She loves her husband a lot too.
She never has any objections to you calling five times a day just to chat, or because you are lonely. She'll talk if she can.
She gets up every morning to trudge off to work, where sometimes she's yelled at and occasionally sworn at. All with a smile on her face.
She has a wonderful smile that lights up her eyes.
She is a wonderful mother.
She is MY mother.

And I love her very much.

The Bottom Line

Budgets scare me. I know. silly, considering my blog name is Bubs Under Budget. I guess I never had a problem with my $50 budget, because I always knew I could go over. It wasn't a big deal if I did.
A little challenge for me, that wasn't that big a deal if I didn't do it one week. They scare me because they are so black and white. Or black and red, as it may be. It is so in your face about where you lack self control to not spend you money. Or maybe that's just how I see it?

The thing is, I know my weakness. Ironically, (remember the 50 budget) it's grocery shopping. I LOVE wandering the isles, imagining up all sorts of foods I could create for lunches and dinners and snacks. Which wouldn't be a problem... IF we hadn't moved into my parent's house to save money and pay off debt. Sooooo while I guess I have the money to wander the isles, I definitely shouldn't.

If I don't wander the isles, I can avoid the confectionery one. Full of tempting chocolatey goodness, musk stick sweetness and guilt reducing health and fitness magazines at the other end. I could avoid the baking isle so I don't pick up chocolate chips just in case I feel like baking. Or cake mixes because they are on special.

Look at that. I'm avoiding my budget and I don't even have my wallet on me!
So, the deal is (without being to specific) we have about $33,000 debt. $27,000 of that, I'm ok with. ($24,000 being a car with 2.9% interest that will be paid off in 4 years and $3000 of that being 50 months interest free, which will obviously be paid off during that time.)
The $6000,  I'm not ok with. Because there is no reason we should have it... Credit cards.
They seem like such a good idea at the time, but it's just a big trap. Even if you get one just in case. It never ends up being just in case. There'll be a situation that you don't have the money on you, so it goes on the card. And there it starts.
ANY WAY.
So, we've done all the maths. We've written down what is incoming and outgoing.
And you know what? I think when you have less money, you spend less money. That's how it seems to work with us anyway.

If we have some extra money, it's as if we feel we can relax a little bit, which in turn has us spending extra, so that we end up dipping into the usual money that's already allocated. (made possible by said credit card).

Fingers crossed we stick to our budget this time. I want to have our savings for a house.

Do you have a budget? Do you struggle to stick to it??

And yes, I realise it's a little bit sad that grocery shopping is the thing I usually struggle to contain my spending on. I enjoy cooking, ok?

I have Learnt

I used to think being a mother was easy. of course, I didn't have children at that point. And while parts of it are easy (like when they're sleeping), a lot of it is pretty tough.
So, what I now know about being a mother:

• People will judge you, know matter what you do. 
• Society expects you to forget who you are as soon as you have children. All of your time and effort is meant to go to them.
• You never hear "how are you?" first. It's always "How are they doing?"
• I must have broken my mother's heart a thousand times.
• Kids are just little balls of mess in a cute outer shell. It's ridiculous.
• Never change the nappy when you first get whiff of the smell. There's more coming.
• Toilet/bath/showers will be shared with little people from now on in.
• Kids can do adult sounding farts. Usually done in the middle of shopping centres and other opportune places to embarrass Mummy.
• We are expected to make it look easy.
• The quickest way to get a toddler to eat something is to tell them bed is the alternative.
• disney movies off by heart.
• To never assume that when the toilet training toddler tells you he needs to do a poo, that he actually needs to do a wee and tell him he can just go outside... Unless you want to have to clean the deck.

What have you learnt?

Anxiety, Awkward and Antisocial

I get anxiety.
I hate it. As anyone with anxiety does.
It's better now than it used to be. At one point, I shook if I left the house.
Even among my closest friends, I'd panic if I wasn't in my environment and I'd have to leave. I'd feel my heart start pounding and racing. I'd get hot. I'd feel dizzy. I'd feel like I needed to cry.
Put on top of this always having my blood pressure in the back of my mind - runs in the family - I'd worry more about what the anxiety was doing to my blood pressure.
Which would make it worse.


Like I said. I'm a lot better now.
But there's things that set me off. Like people you don't know talking to you in inappropriate places e.g.
Doctor's Surgery (where I went to get my BP situation assessed). Waiting room scene went something like this:
Lady: What a gorgeous little girl!
Me: Thanks.
Lady: She looks new?
Me: Six weeks.
Lady: Gorgeous. (At which point the conversation should have drifted into a comfortable silence)
Lady: My son was little like that. my daughter wasn't so little. She wasn't as cute as her either, but she's beautiful now. (said daughter was sitting right beside her) That's why we're here. She's getting pains in her shins. I think they're just growing pains, because she was short and then she just shot up! She went from having size 6 feet to size 9 overnight! You're tall, aren't you? Did you ever get growing pains? Do you remember what it felt like? How long did they last? Oh, your daughter will be lucky if she ends up tall like you. I'm not very tall at all.
Me: Awkward.

Does she not realise how awkward I feel? I'm not responding to her questions at all. I'm starting to panic. Please leave me alone. I don't particularly like social situations in places I'm not used to being. I don't like having conversations about these sorts of things with strangers. Please. Stop. Talking.
But of course, I don't SAY any of that, do I?

No, instead I sit there and try not to freak out, then get called into the doctor and get told my BP is 150/100.
How do I explain to him "yeah, probably because the lady in the waiting room wouldn't stop talking to me so I started panicking."
Crazy....


 Pushy sales assistants set me off too. Yesterday I went to buy Marvel VS Capcom for the ps3.
There was a new guy there, along with the guy (Steve) who was normally there. The new guy is a manager at another store.
He kept asking if I wanted to pre-order any games. To which I cleverly responded (remember I'm BUYING a game) "I don't game." AWKWARD. I then had to explain I'm more of a computer games kind of person. He then went into a big spiel about the new computer games being released. I started to panic. Me "I play WoW." please shut up
THEN he talks about the WoW like games coming out. Meanwhile Steve - wonderful man that he is - said to the other guy, "hey, you leave her alone, she's MY customer." (being friendly of course) so other guys wanders off occasionally mentioning a game in my direction.

THANK YOU STEVE.
Steve then has a conversation with me about a couple of games coming out that it's possible I may like, because he has bothered to ask about what style I enjoy. Not Awkward. Panic gone.

A lot of this leads me to be anti social. Going out and seeing my friends is sometimes a big effort for me. Not because I think they are an effort to deal with (if I did, why would I have them as friends??) But because I struggle to be in places that I don't feel in control. Not only that, I worry about not seeming in control. I worry that people will think my child is a feral, if he throws a tantrum. My child is NOT feral. He's a little boy who can't quite communicate what he wants so he's frustrated. Don't judge either of us! 
The silly thing is, I KNOW my friends don't judge me. I know they think my son is well behaved. But I still worry.
And the beautiful thing about my friends? They worry about me. They tell me when I'm being distant. They tell me when I'm being silly.
They listen to my fears. They know what I'm going through.

They NEVER make things Awkward. Because they know when to talk and when to just enjoy the silence (as much silence as we can have with 21 month olds).
So as much as I'm sometimes antisocial - they ALWAYS pull me back out.
They help remedy my anxiety and make me feel less awkward and more every day mum. With makes me less antisocial.

I love you guys.

Surviving Motherhood - How I've done it

Sometimes I wonder how I've survived this far with (most) of my sanity in tact.
so here's how I've done it:

• Take advantage of younger siblings who think they want children. Give them yours. (not forever). Babysitter for you and serious birth control for them - Win/win!

• Cook more than you need. So then, when you're too lazy to cook something, you can pass it off as being organised when you pull a meal out of the freezer with "here's one I prepared earlier."

• Spending lots of time at friends houses so mine doesn't get messed up. To pull this one off, you need to bring along baked goods. Trust me, it's worth it. Especially if said friend has a backyard the kids can play in, while yours is constantly damp and full of leeches. (thanks Belinda!)

• Coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. Or so I'm told. I don't drink coffee. But I do eat copious amounts of chocolate and jelly beans. I figure I'll just use the sugar instead of the caffeine.

• Playgroups - you can hand your feral child off for a couple of hours while you sit and watch someone else read them the same book for the hundredth time. This usually comes at the small cost of a piece of fruit - well worth it.

• Hats. Bad hair day instantly gone. Need I say more?

• Bribery. Don't looked shocked. Who doesn't do it? Luckily, my toddler gets really excited about the prospect of a roll from Baker's Delight, so I'm pretty safe for now. AND if he does get distracted while I do my lolly isle run, I can usually placate him with a box of tictacs. At home, it's bribery with frozen peas and corn. Cuz someone was VERY clever when they made those veggies look like little lollies.

• Sex. Whenever I can get it. Why? Because I enjoy it. Because it makes me feel human. Because it says that there's more to life than singing the same song over and over again, or changing a poosplosion. Yes. Even when I'm really, really tired and the kids and sick and it feels like my eyelids are sandpapering my eyeballs. I'll sleep when the kids nap tomorrow.

• Lying. No honey, there's no sushi. No, those are Grandad's donuts, he'll get cranky. No, the chocolate must be stuck in the machine. Yes, that is a biscuit. Yes that's chocolate. (really an olive).

But in all seriousness. My family - especially my little sisters pretty much jump at the chance to look after their nephew and niece. My friends who I can talk about anything to and who also know when nothing needs to be said.

And the biggest thing that has kept me sane?

Knowing I get to spend every day with him =]

Fuck Modesty

So this morning I showed up for my appointment (late) only to realise I didn't have my referral. Which means I had to rebook. I had fasted 6 hours for nothing!
So I got back in the car and started to give myself a stern talking to about my lack of organisation - in my head of course. (Don't pretend you don't talk to yourself either, as parents it's sometimes the only sane conversation we get!)
And then I thought, You know what? Fuck it. I messed up. I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Society does that enough for me.
We're always told we're not smart enough. Pretty enough. Thin enough. Tall enough. Young enough. Old enough.
So I thought I'd "stick it to the man" and tell you what I'm good at. And bloody proud of it, too.


I am a great artist. Not fantastic, but great enough that people are walking around with my designs on their skin.

I am a great cook. Even my almost two year old eats pretty much everything put in front of him. (the 16 year old sister is another story - but apparently there's no pleasing teenagers, so why bother?)

I have a great relationship with "hubby" - meaning I can tell him when I'm pissed off at him or when I want him to stop playing the goddamn ps3 for 5 minutes  because Dex has done an explosive poo. I don't just stew in it and let it build up. (the frustration about the ps3 - not the poo. Who would stew in poo?)

I am a great mother. My kids are happy. Well looked after. Well fed. Dex is an amazing talker and very smart for his age - daycare told me so. Lola is (mostly) a happy baby. She gets her nappy free time and her tummy time and all the other times.

I look great for having had two babies. Yes, I have stretch marks. But you know what? Who gives a fuck. Please, find me a woman, childless or not that doesn't have at least one. She deserves to be in a museum.
And finally, I have a GREAT life ahead of me. I have gorgeous, intelligent kids. A wonderful partner. A beautiful family and support network.


I deserve it. I deserve to be proud of what I have. What I've worked for and what's yet to come.
Fuck modesty. You should be proud too.

Bad Mumma If...?

A lot of the time I'd rather spend more time with Dexter than with Lola.
Does that make me a bad mother?

It's not that I don't love her. Her little smiles melt my heart. I could spend hours trying to make her smile... If I didn't have another child.

It's just that Dex is so independent. This morning he said "Mummy go now." to me at daycare. I'm being dismissed by a child who's not even two.
If he's doing this, how much longer do I have to spend with him?
How much longer will he be asking to hold my hand? Or for cuddles? Or give me those weird kisses where he grabs hold of my ears and mooshes his whole face against mine?
For how much longer will he ask me to help with his yogurt? Or want to sit with me while we cook?

It's tough really. Either way, I may miss out on something. But for right now, Lola is content sitting with her Daddy. And I'm content spending time with Dex before he decides daddies are way cooler because they mow lawns and chop wood and all that other loud stuff. Is it wrong that I want to keep him to myself just a little bit longer if I can?

Insert Witty Title Here

Apparently that's one of the things I'm doing wrong.
My titles aren't catchy. Buuuuuuttttt... I'm just not that good at catchy titles.
SO.
you'll just have to deal with great content instead ;)

Because I love you guys so much, I'm going to give you TWO, yes you read right, not one, but TWO yummy recipes today. And they are both ridiculously easy.

So. Recipe One:

Chicken & Sundried tomato risotto
You need:
1 1/2 cups rice. (Probably best to use risotto rice, I didn't though)
Chicken. (We had half a bbq chook left over - stripped it and used that)
3/4 cup of sundried tom in oil, chopped into strips.
4 - 5 cups vege stock
1/2 block light cream cheese.
You do:
Chuck first 4 ingredients into the slow cooker on high (go for 4 cups of stock first). Check after two hours. If the rice is still crunchy, give it a little longer. Add extra stock if need be (I needed to).
When rice is satisfactory, stir in the half block of cream cheese - probably best to cut it into chunks for easier stirring.

Enjoy!
This recipe is adapted from one I found here. It's a slow cooker recipe GOLDMINE

Recipe Two (dessert. Or snack. Or whenever really)
Jaffa Fudge
375g packet nestle melts
1 can sweetended condensed milk
Finely grated rind of one large fresh orange.

Melt the first two together in the microwave and stir so they are mixed well.
Stir in orange rind.
Pour into a lined slice tray and fridge for at least two hours before cutting.

(it's very sticky to try and cut - but soooooooooooooo good.)


The fudge was made this morning for some friends who graced me with their presence. And i just want to say I have the best friends in the world. They are so, SO wonderful. They are even brave enough to ask me if anything is wrong. To tell me they are worried about me because I haven't been around a lot lately. To stand up for me if people ask about me. I love them. And I'm lucky to have them.



xx

Weekly Thumbs

I figure instead of doing a boring summary of my week I'd give you all a thumbs up/thumbs down version.
Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Start with the bad, shall we?

THUMBS DOWN

• doing everyone else's washing so that you end up getting stuck with no clean clothes and no sun to dry said clothes.
• 6:30am similtaneous projectile spews from Lola and Dex waking up.
• Dex knowing what he wants but not being able to communicate it properly yet.
• Not having a laundry sink in which to rinse nappies. Options are bathroom sink or hose them down outside.
• Not having an oven!
• People complaining.
  

THUMBS UP

• Dex has started saying love you. It is the cutest thing EVER
• Pat doing ALL the washing. It's insane. I don't know how six people can make SO much washing!
• Getting creative with cooking. Not having an oven has made me look into cooking lots more in the microwave and slow cooker - I even have a slow cooker Chocolate Pudding Cake recipe.
• Mums. I love mine. I love being able to say good morning every morning.
• Special bonds between Grandads and grandsons. Dex loves his Grandad and it's so special him being able to spend so much time with him.
• Getting your inspiration back. I worried about how having kids might hold me back from what I want to be when I grow up. Now, I'm just going to use them as my muses.
• Family nap time/cuddle time.
• one on one time with Dex - especially cooking. He loves helping me cook (he sits in his high chair and I tell him the names of the things we're using and he parrots me) I hope it sets him up to enjoy cooking all his life - help him get the ladies (or the men, whatever he fancies).
• Lola smiled!!!

What are your thumbs for the week?

22 months

Dear Dexter,
You are 22 months old today.
It amazes me how quickly you are growing. This last month has flown by and I feel like I have missed it. And missed you.
You are almost talking in full sentences now. You string three words together all the time.
Your favourite thing to say at the moment is Love you.
Love you cows. Love you grass. Love you mummy.
It melts my heart when you say that.
You also love Lola. You kiss her and cuddle her all the time. Sometimes too much. Like when you climb in the bassinet with her...
You are such a beautiful child. You have the most gorgeous laugh.
Everyone is captivated by your cheeky smile and your curls.

I hope you stop growing up so quickly. I just want to cuddle you forever.

Love Mummy

My life of late

Because I am narcissistic naive enough to think people I don't know care so much about my blog life that they have been wondering what I've been up to, I'll fill you all in.

I had a baby four weeks a go (but you knew that).

I got a staph infection two weeks a go. It's lovely. You should see it. ACTUALLY you should have seen it when I was at the hospital at 2am getting it lanced because it was oozing out my skin. Told you. LOVELY.

We (all of us) are moving in with my parents. And my two teenage sisters. Crazy us, hey? It's... full on, to say the least. I thought it would have been different to the way it is. I thought because everyone is older it would be a little more civil, but it's not. Girls fight, no matter the age.
Maddi (20) likes confrontation... She enjoys arguing. And she hates when I don't bite back. It's SO satisfying to win. (Take THAT! Maddison)
Michellie is a 16 year old girl... need i say more? Except because mum works ridiculous hours, she's not used to someone asking her to clean her room constantly until it gets done. Mum is just too tired. So now, here I am. Because if it doesn't get done, I get to hear Dad yell about it. And life is much more pleasant when Dad is happy. (He stalks around the house and snaps at people who look at him the wrong way).
I wonder if he'd try and ground me now if I pissed him off?

So anyway... I'm now cooking for six. Cooking healthier meals than they've had in ages, because usually they're all eating on the go with crazy schedules they're all keeping. I'm enjoying it, but it's a little annoying.
I asked them (family) if there was anything in particular they wanted to eat at the start of the week. No one said shit.
Then, tonight, I made a chicken pasta (minced chicken, fresh tomatoes, mushrooms, spring onion, white wine, sour cream, some herbs - delish!) and I asked Mum if Dad would eat it. She replied:
"I think he just wants a steak."
THEN FUCKING TELL ME YOU WANT A STEAK WHEN I ASK!!!


I'm not the best lately. I'm struggling.
I don't think I have post natal depression.
It's everything building up.
It's nothing to do with having two kids. I love both of them. Not wanting to shake them or anything.
I don't want them to go away so I can get some sleep, I want everything else to go away.
I want moving house to go away.
I want staph infection to go away.
I want blood pressure issues to go away.
I want money issues to go away.
I want it all to go away so I can get some sleep.

So my kids don't suffer.
So Pat doesn't suffer.
So I don't suffer!

Dolores Rose

You are four weeks old today.
Four weeks that have flown by so fast.
Amongst moving house, having a staph infection and a toddler I feel like I might have put you second a little.
Not that you mind one bit. You are the happiest baby (although you do spew a lot).
I haven't taken anywhere near as many photos as I would have liked to.
It scares me I won't get the time back and I don't have any records of it. I promise I'll get the camera out. I'll capture you in all your newborn glory.
Especially with your big brother. He ADORES you. Every chance he is asking to kiss you or cuddle you or hold you.
He uses kissing you as a way to extend his bed time just that little longer (but it's so cute I let him).
You have started being more alert. You are awake for longer and you're recognising us.
You LOVE your Daddy. You stare at him for ages.

I can't wait to watch you grow. You're beautiful. You have completed our family.

Love Mummy.
x

Still here!

Sorry it's been a while for anyone who actually reads my blog regularly.
This is just a catch up post to promise you I AM still here.
Having a four week old (4 weeks tomorrow - it's insane) a toddler and moving back in with your parents is a pretty full on experience! Add to that learning how to cook for six people and have left overs...

I will sit down properly over the next couple of days and tell you all about it, but for now, just know I'm still here!

x

sometimes, I hate you.

I have a confession.
Right now, I feel like a terrible mother.
Which is better than how I felt this morning.
Right now, I'm sick. I have a staph infection - so I'm pretty run down. I have a newborn who loves feeding for two hours and then throwing it all up again, so she's hungry. But only does it at night. We also drove 2.5 hours home from Pat's dad's house, getting home at midnight.
It's still no excuse, but I thought I'd give you the background.
Miraculously, Dolores slept for a good 5 hour block last night, woke at 5:30am for a feed. Then Dex started SCREAMING.
He was still tired - over tired, but refused to go back to sleep.
He wouldn't stop screaming.
I was exhausted.
I was screaming.
I yelled at him "Sometimes I hate you!"
And then I burst into tears.
Because I don't. And I didn't mean it.
And I instantly wished I could take it back.

What I meant to say was, I hate the way you're behaving right now. Not I hate you. Never, I hate you.
I felt terrible. I still do.
I got him up and gave him breakfast and we snuggled and watched How to Train your Dragon. After a little while I asked him if he wanted to go back to sleep and he did.
We all went back to sleep.
But I still feel so bad.
And so, SO grateful that he is too young to ever remember what I said to him.

Have you said something you regretted to your child?

Make Believe

Do you ever pretend you're not a mummy?
I've tried.
A couple of times. I was bad at it the first time, so I figured I'd try again.

I suck at it.
I can't comprehend how (or why) mother's can pretend they don't have a little person(s) at home that they love and are responsible for and who's lives they revolve around.
It doesn't seem natural.
I understand needing a break occasionally. God knows I do.
The last two weeks would have been hell if Pat wasn't here to help with both Dex and Dolores.

But would I ever pretend I don't have them? NO way.
They are what I was born to do.
I mean sure - there will be other things in my life as well, but nothing as important as them.
Why would I pretend they didn't exist?
Even just for a little bit?
It's like pretending you don't have a soul. Or are missing an arm. Painful and pointless.

If you want to pretend you don't have children, why did you have them in the first place?
I'm definitely not saying you should have your children in tow 24/7. That is just silly. You'd go insane.
Sometimes even going to the doctors is a welcome break here!
I won a $300 spa voucher and I'm planning on getting the 5 hour full treatment.
But will I pretend my kids don't exist? No way. They are the reason I deserve my treatment.


What do you think?
Do you pretend you don't have kids sometimes?